Life is full of valleys and mountains, time for the valley

I've been laying in my bed for hours just thinking and praying and still I am tossing and turning. I'm a leader of a semi-successful LS on Leviathan server and I feel like I'm in love with someone. Normally this would be a good thing but don't judge a book by it's cover.

As for the LS, we killed Kirin today, and normally thats a good thing. The bad thing was people were at each other's throats. There were two mini fights, and one major between me and a co-leader. I honestly feel like I can't take this anymore, I love being a leader when things are good, but they haven't been good for about a week, and I know it's only been a week but with my other things in my life it just seems to keep going down for me. People have been negative about different things, and for the last month or so it seems people are questioning every decision I make. I tmakes me feel like, why should I lead when the followers question the direction. Also, why should I want to be around when it seems no one trust me.

For the girl I love, well it's one thing to love someone, it's another thing for them to love you back. The latter won't happen so where do I go. I can cry for a few minutes. I can question my self value. I can try to make the best of it. Right now though, I can barely look in the mirror. I keep wondering what is so wrong with me. "I come on too strong, I'm too emotional." Thats what I've been told. What I'm tired of hearing is, "You're not my type." I hear it all the time. It's too general. It's another way of saying I don't want you but trying to be nice. I just hope she finds happiness and I hope it works for her but I guess this is been the answer to my prays that her and I aren't meant to be, but it just hurts so much.

What these next couple of weeks have for me I don't know. I might be LSless and minus a few friends by then. I just trying to figure out if thats what I want. I care about her and my friends in my LS but I think the LS will continue to make me and my friends fight. I also just can't deal with the stress of running the LS and school and failed love. I'm trying to be superman and I feel like I'm surrounded by kryptonite. I guess in a week or two I'll update how life is going, till then just hope I can live and breath and enjoy life.

What can dreams tell you

I had a dream last night that I've thought of all day. I was at a party and just chilling out. Everyone was playing video games and there was pizza everywhre, so yeah it was a good dream. The end of it was the most interesting to me. I was talking to this girl who looked like katie holmes. Somehow in my dream we knew each other. I told her sweetie, I'm going to leave soon so I can go to sleep. She poutied and told me she didn't want me to go. She was laying down ona bed and I was sitting on it and we were watching people play smash brothers. I decided to lay beside her and watch with her. When I was getting comfortable I got an uninitial touch on her breast and apologized. She smiled and said it was ok and smiled at me. I felt the warmth of her arm against mine and it felt like protection in a way. I whispered to her that I love her, and she smiled. She aske why do I love her and I told her, I dunno I just do and smiled and she put an arm around me, and I thought to myself, because you make me feel special and wanted in this world. It seemed that everyone else in the room faded away at that moment and it was just me and her. As we cuddled I woke up.

I don't know how to take the dream. I was so happy in the dream, and I could of slept my life away to be with the girl atm. It wasn't her physical beauty, it was the way she treated me. I hope one day I can find a woman who when I'm with her, everything just disappears and when I find her I hope I don't scare her off and ruin my chances with her. I had to share the dream cause it has consumed my day so I hope maybe people can reflect on it and hopefully might change someone elses day, take care all.

Where I Am Now

Hi, my name is Grady and I'm a college student at the University of South Carolina. That's how I would normally introduce myself. I think that's what people would expect me to be like. It feels lately I'm a shell of who I used to be, and I'm desperately trying to come back alive. People call me emo, maybe I am. Maybe I have a reason to be emo. Maybe I over analyze everything to a put I see the sadness in it all. I'm a college student with too much free time and too much time to reflect.

About 3 months ago, I lost a woman I consider a love of my life. Her name was Lorena De La Pena. She lost her battle with cancer or so I was told. I'm the type of guy who fall for girls over the internet and believe what I'm told. People would call me gullible. I question her death sometimes cause I see her facebook change and she recently unfriended me on it before her death. If she is playing a joke either way I love her with all my heart and she gone from my life now. I believe she is dead, but as I said before... I have too much free time and I think about things too much.

Recently someone else has come into my life. She is a very special woman and of course online. I really think I'm falling for her, but sometimes I think I'm looking for someone to rebuild the void Lorena left when she died. Either way through my sadness and anger I have ruined any chance I have with the new girl. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle just being friends, it's rarely in my personality to back track after falling for someone. This woman really needs a friend, she seems like she not exactly happy with her life, but there nothing to fix it. She has a boyfriend that I sometimes question how much he cares, or I should say if he remembered why he started caring. Some of the things she has told me has down right disgust me, and I don't know how to handle it. It's sent me in highs and lows and eventually through that I've almost ruined me and her friendship, and lost the chance of anymore then Friends.

I'm also a chronic FFXI player that people can see on my other blogs. I run my own LS now, but I don't feel like I have the energy anymore. I'm the type of guy that depression will take away all my energy and it becomes hard to get out of bed. I have to move on though. I can't give up like I had before. I need to stop the suicidal thoughts and move forward and help my LS and myself. They think I'm a good leader, but sometimes I don't see it, I feel like I'm too bossy and I feel like I can't get done what we should, and due to my leadership we can't get new members easily.

I'm widely popular for all the wrong reason on my server. About a year or two ago I helped gilsellers on my server, which is considered the most deadly of sins on this game. People who have told US soldiers to go die in Iraq on the game are forgiven easier then me. This is another thing I've thought over for many a day and if I could do it all over again I would. As a white American I've never known racial hatred, and the hatred they had for me and my friends could be consider racial, since they used there Chinese ethnicity as a way to discriminate against them. I've tried to rebuild my image but it's hard at times to not give up and I feel my LS will have the world against it for my past and I'm sorry to my LS members.

I will wrap up this post. I had so much built up inside and I need to release it. I'm sorry to the people I've hurt recently through my own anger, and I'm very sorry for hurting the new woman's feeling due to how empty I am inside and I hope she will live a happy life, and if god permits it, I can make a positive impact in her life. I also hope my LS can stay happy and I can find the patience and get new members so that my LS can raise to do the events they wish we could do. This blog is a release for me but I will give it out to friends so they can see what I'm thinking and feeling when I don't know how to explain it. Goodbye and Love all who I give the address to this blog.