Where I Am Now

Hi, my name is Grady and I'm a college student at the University of South Carolina. That's how I would normally introduce myself. I think that's what people would expect me to be like. It feels lately I'm a shell of who I used to be, and I'm desperately trying to come back alive. People call me emo, maybe I am. Maybe I have a reason to be emo. Maybe I over analyze everything to a put I see the sadness in it all. I'm a college student with too much free time and too much time to reflect.

About 3 months ago, I lost a woman I consider a love of my life. Her name was Lorena De La Pena. She lost her battle with cancer or so I was told. I'm the type of guy who fall for girls over the internet and believe what I'm told. People would call me gullible. I question her death sometimes cause I see her facebook change and she recently unfriended me on it before her death. If she is playing a joke either way I love her with all my heart and she gone from my life now. I believe she is dead, but as I said before... I have too much free time and I think about things too much.

Recently someone else has come into my life. She is a very special woman and of course online. I really think I'm falling for her, but sometimes I think I'm looking for someone to rebuild the void Lorena left when she died. Either way through my sadness and anger I have ruined any chance I have with the new girl. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle just being friends, it's rarely in my personality to back track after falling for someone. This woman really needs a friend, she seems like she not exactly happy with her life, but there nothing to fix it. She has a boyfriend that I sometimes question how much he cares, or I should say if he remembered why he started caring. Some of the things she has told me has down right disgust me, and I don't know how to handle it. It's sent me in highs and lows and eventually through that I've almost ruined me and her friendship, and lost the chance of anymore then Friends.

I'm also a chronic FFXI player that people can see on my other blogs. I run my own LS now, but I don't feel like I have the energy anymore. I'm the type of guy that depression will take away all my energy and it becomes hard to get out of bed. I have to move on though. I can't give up like I had before. I need to stop the suicidal thoughts and move forward and help my LS and myself. They think I'm a good leader, but sometimes I don't see it, I feel like I'm too bossy and I feel like I can't get done what we should, and due to my leadership we can't get new members easily.

I'm widely popular for all the wrong reason on my server. About a year or two ago I helped gilsellers on my server, which is considered the most deadly of sins on this game. People who have told US soldiers to go die in Iraq on the game are forgiven easier then me. This is another thing I've thought over for many a day and if I could do it all over again I would. As a white American I've never known racial hatred, and the hatred they had for me and my friends could be consider racial, since they used there Chinese ethnicity as a way to discriminate against them. I've tried to rebuild my image but it's hard at times to not give up and I feel my LS will have the world against it for my past and I'm sorry to my LS members.

I will wrap up this post. I had so much built up inside and I need to release it. I'm sorry to the people I've hurt recently through my own anger, and I'm very sorry for hurting the new woman's feeling due to how empty I am inside and I hope she will live a happy life, and if god permits it, I can make a positive impact in her life. I also hope my LS can stay happy and I can find the patience and get new members so that my LS can raise to do the events they wish we could do. This blog is a release for me but I will give it out to friends so they can see what I'm thinking and feeling when I don't know how to explain it. Goodbye and Love all who I give the address to this blog.